Thursday, June 21, 2007

Songs that make me close my eyes...

Waiting for Love

It’s such a hard thing to say I love you
And it’s harder to not say at all
Wanting the words to come out, but the heart won’t let them
Cause the line is tangled again

We’re all waiting for love
And love keeps running away…
Don’t run away from me

It’s such a hard thing to hear I love you
And it’s harder to not hear at all
Wanting the words to come in, but the heart won’t reel in
Cause the line is twisted again

We were waiting for love
And love keeps running away…
Don’t run away from me

I dreamed of a moment between you & I
In our ocean of silence, we started to try
Down by our hidden hearts –
Together we’ll loosen the knotted parts
The words were untwisted – the silence was lifted
And we untangled the line

We were waiting for love
And love was reeling us in…
Reeling us in.

----------------------------------------

Kiss my Head

Tell me one more time of the story - of how you loved me,
You loved me again…
My heart is only worth the glory - of how you found me,
And called me friend.

I don’t know how to live –
I’ve got nothing to give.
But you speak of a faithful commitment to me
You reach – where no one has reached
You reached me – you reached me…

I’m just a prodigal,
I’m stuck in the mud with my head sunken
Deep diabolical
Like a hurricane
You catch my foot, pull me down
Put me safely on the ground again

Then you kiss my head again,
Kiss my head again –
And you tell me again….

You tell me one more time how you loved me,
You loved me…
And love will never end.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Feeling at home when I cry...

Why is that? I don't know if it's just me or everyone has this (or maybe every woman?) but I feel the most like myself when I am crying. Not just crying, but mourning...
I struggle so much in my fight for joy. I console myself by taking refuge in mourning... solace in pain. And for so much of my life, having joy meant being shallow.
Now the Lord has brought me into a place where I am overwhelmed (I am so tempted to say surprised, especially because it's a better descriptor) by joy. But I miss mourning. I miss crying. I'm not sure what this is about.... I am praying for some clarity... Mourning is to be expected, that's for sure. And maybe it's something we need... Maybe my mourning is good, but misdirected. Maybe I'm practicing because I'm afraid that when my time for mourning comes I won't be able to stand.... Maybe it's a place that I go where I feel like I can be comforted when I mourn. It makes me feel more human to cry for other people's loss...
Whenever people talk about 'places they go' it usually, most likely, is not a good thing. Are there certain areas of my heart that I'm not willing to give to the Lord because I feel like it defines who I am and I can't give it up? I'm certain there are... I've been in the process of giving them up all my life. What's amazing is that He somehow remakes me more real than the thing of "reality" that I gave up. I can realize that the area of my heart that I was hiding wasn't really an area at all... it was a door to something the Lord wanted to unlock to make me more glorifying to Him.
Anyway, I'm not sure why this is worth writing about... but I just noticed that I put on a certain song that I know makes me cry...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Our puppy! :)

Here he is.... I'm pretty excited. We are stilling debating on the name though - it's between Caspian and Link. if you have any opinions... please share!












Monday, June 4, 2007

Support Trip In Philadelphia

Wow - God is so good... I have been so worn out these past few days... I found that if I get a 11:00 nap & a 2:00 nap I'm able to get through... Our time in Philadelphia has been absolutely amazing - I have missed being able to invest in these people up here. It's been difficult for me to find the time to do that with each person I'm close with (and even those I don't know that well) while I'm in TX and normally when we do come up to visit it's usually large groups of people and can feel more... shallow? Which is hard because I feel like my heart is always in this continuously sober state whenever I'm up here so relating was usually kind of weird. Anyway, it's just been really really good to take solid chunks of time really ministering to people and praying with them. I am more convinced than ever about the need to re-establish God's design for the family in our daily lives. I'm just seeing so much of a lacking there... and it's hard. Our culture is extremely aggressive in stealing anything of value away from our families. It seems that if we really want to walk the fine line of the call to holiness, we need to completely abstain from things of this world. I think, what's most often hard to swallow, is that things of this world permeate virtually everything I do!

Jd & I would like to have children one day and we're praying about the Lord's timing in that. But I am honestly so afraid. I feel like in order to protect our minds from the influence of this world we need to be careful of what we watch and where we go... and what we listen to. Right now I'm thinking of staying away from all movie theaters, malls, and radio stations... I am seeing messages from the devil everywhere.... And the more we are exposed to perversion, the more natural it becomes... I'm just afraid of missing it. Every well meaning Christian I talk to tells me that "You can't shield your child from everything and if you don't expose them to it sooner or later, they will either rebel or be a complete outcast." Is that true? I'm not sure... I'm just wrestling a lot with this. I told Jd yesterday that I hear of so many people praying that they will have beautiful or smart children. I would almost rather have my child born with a handicap that would cause them to be rejected by the world. I think I'd rather have an outcast than a prom queen. I am just so tired of bowing down to the devil's of idea of beauty and success. I am tired of watching those I love bow to it. I will need all of God's grace on my life to help keep my children from doing the same...

I am just in prayer - I want to be guided by the spirit and let love rule in our home... I'm not interested in just making up hard rules for the sake of rules.... But I am no longer convinced that the Lord is grieved by the compromise we subject ourselves to in order to be 'normal.' When did God call us to a life of normal? Did He not call us to forsake all? What does that mean? What does it mean when I live in this culture?

Anyway... that's all that I'm thinking about.... I'd be grateful for any thoughts....

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Paul Washer...

I have been running myself ragged the last few days - but my friend Lindsay & I were having fun thinking of how these past few days are like summer camp. You have a crazy schedule, but you just do it because it's camp.. and soon it will be over. :)

The past few days we've been driving over an hour to hear this brother, Paul Washer speak in this small church in the small town of Briar. I have been so blessed by Paul's teachings I got on Sermonindex.net and I have been so blessed, and even changed dramatically, by his teaching. These past few meetings have definetly been some of the best hours of teaching I have ever received... We leave right at 5:00 to drive - and we are usually finished by about midnight (after talking with him) - and get home at 1:30... I haven't cooked or cleaned in so long (it feels like) but all I want to do when I'm home is read the bible... It's just amazing.

Tracy (our friend & Lindsay's husband) has a pretty accurate account of our first messages on Sunday on his blog so I asked him if I could post his blog here:

What Brother Paul shared was a real blessing. The Sunday school hour was good, but the morning and evening messages really stuck with me. The Lord is faithful. He preached in the morning on Jeremiah 31:31-34 and 32:36-41. Praise God for His faithfulness!In the evening he preached on 1 Timothy 4:1-10, and it was also very good. And then a few of us sat around and talked with him for awhile after both services. A few things that stood out (paraphrased from memory):The horrible statistics you hear telling you the church is the same as the world are a lie. Those who are in the church are being conformed to the image of Christ. They are not continually carnal. The reason we think the church is just like the world is that we have a wrong idea of what the church is. Those who profess to be Christians and meet in a building are not the church. Not at all. The church is composed of those who been supernaturally regenerated by Almighty God. Every single one of them is being made more like Christ, becoming holy, being sanctified. Yes, there is sin at times, but if we are truly born again, the Lord will always lead us to repentance. Much of what we call the church is not the church. Similarly, the church is united. We speak of all the division and stuff in the church, but that is again because we have a wrong conception of the church. All who are truly born again have fellowship in Christ. Spiritual warfare is not primarily about angels and demons fighting each other in the air over our heads or casting demons out of our refrigerator. It is primarily about lies. Satan is the father of lies. And he tells lies and gets many to believe his lies. The truth is very, very important.

We must know God's Word so we can tell what is a lie. If you spend 3 hours in God's Word, and then turn your TV on and see one sensual image, you pretty much just canceled out all your time in the Word. You must turn away from the things God hates. If you have a half gallon of sewage, and start filling a container with clean water, that water will always be contaminated, no matter how much clean water you put in. First, you must clean the sewage out. Turn away from these things.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a real preacher? Do you have any idea how hard it is to know that night after night, city after city, country after country, many who hear your voice are not listening, and they will rot in hell? Listen to me! You will stand before God very, very soon and you must be prepared. Telling the story of how he came to share the message to the 5,000 Baptist youth in which he shared out of Matthew 7, he shared that it was a stadium event complete with dry ice and Harley Davidsons. The speaker was making crass jokes, etc... When he gave the altar call, 3,000 youth came forward. Brother Paul was scheduled to speak next. The leaders of the event came to him and said, "Get out here, this is a great move of God, we need you to counsel these young people." He responded, "I don't even belong in this building. This is an abomination." He felt like the Lord had given him a message (The Meaning of the Cross) and if he shared it hear, it would be his springboard to do many Baptist events everywhere. He wanted to share that message, but the Lord told him no, that he was to share out of Matthew 7 and what it really means to be saved, knowing he was finished with that group. He was. Youth leaders and everyone was angry. And yet our Father was pleased, and perhaps some were saved from deception and hell. He began the first message and repeated a couple times afterwards: "There are no great men of God; only weak, feeble, faithless men of a great and mighty God." Amen.

He was in much pain last night in his body, but stayed around talking with us until 10:30 PM. When he sees men, he sees them, and not through them. He took notice of people and shared God's Word with them. He challenged all of us to know God's Word, not superficially, but really. I was convicted. I have stopped memorizing the Bible. Such an important thing, and I have been lazy and not doing it. Towards the end, when we were getting ready to go, he came over to say bye to us, and saw Jude. He asked about him, talked a little, and began to pray for him. He prayed exactly what I desire for my son: "Not that this child will be brilliant or athletic or successful or even great, but that He will be yours; that he will do everything for Jesus." Amen. He then spoke to me at some length about family. I will try and relate the gist of it here:"Your greatest calling is to love your wife. Love her more than anything else, including your children. They need to know how you love your wife. You are commanded to lay down your life for your wife. Go in to the office early, so you can come home early. When you get home, the boys are yours. You take them, do everything for them, and let your wife rest. Spend time with your family. If I ever hear you say that you have to sacrifice your family for the ministry, I will slap you. That is a lie. God's will is perfect. You will never have to sacrifice one thing He has asked you to do in order to do another thing He has asked you to do. The greatest joy in my life is to be a husband and a father. When people ask what I do, I tell them I am a husband. When they ask again, I tell them I am a father. They get exasperated, and then I tell them what I do if I have any time left over."I have been blessed by this brother's life and teaching, and my brief interaction with him. I know he isn't perfect and I don't know him well, and yet the Spirit in me testifies that he is a man who knows the Lord, and I've been richly blessed. God is good.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

One of my favorite songs...

Every time I hear this song my heart gets incredibly broken. The first time I heard it I was newly married and driving into the city (Philadelphia) and struggling with not wanting to go to GFA because my heart wasn't for the people in India - my heart was for teenage girls. I was wrestling so much - and then I heard this song and I just wept and wept for so long. The Lord used it to show me that when he puts things on my heart - it's definitely a blessing. But I want my life to be so totally given over to Him that I am not dictated by the desires of my heart (even if they are for something of virtue) because my heart is not what should lead my decisions in life. I need to yield to the Lord, knowing that He will never give me something good (like a desire to serve in one way) and squash it completely. But often, He desires to stretch us beyond what we feel we can do (or want to do) so that we are totally His. Anyway, here are the words.

Use me, break me, waste me on You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live...
To starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, i want it all, Lord, i want it all
If i lose my life, I gain everything and
At the cross away with all death's sting
Lord, i want it all; Lord, i want it all

There is power in the blood
There is victory in Jesus.
Come in power, wash me clean
Overwhelm me with Your presence

There is power in the blood
There is victory in Jesus
Help me glory in the cross
Help me find my gain in loss

By the way - the Lord has not forgotten me. He has answered my desire to ministry to teenage girls in ways that have totally blessed me. He is expanding my heart for things I found no room for before He demanded this area of me. I love Him. :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

My testimony

So I'm putting together a Shutterfly album for our upcoming support trip (May 28 - Jun 10) and I thought it would be a good idea to include our testimonies in the book. I just now realized that I have never ever told my testimony (I have normally tried to avoid it) but I thought I would share it here -

It always seems awkward for me to give my testimony because I never quite know where it starts and where it ends. Truthfully, I can not say exactly when it was that I gave my life to Christ and I often struggle to find joy in where I am right now - I desire to be so much further in my journey than I am. I only know that because of these things, I am daily giving my life to the Lord and daily asking Him for a new measure of the joy that only comes from Him.

Growing up I never doubted that Jesus was Lord, but I knew nothing of love. While that seems average for most, it was exceptionally true for me. I loved to see people fail and inflict pain with my words. I wrestled with it so much that I eventually decided that if I was to ever understand love I needed to do everything I could to rebel against it and test if it would still pursue me in spite of who I was. I was 13 and living in every kind of rebellion I could think of. I was enslaved to promiscuity and malice. I despised my actions, but I was desperate to find out how far love would go to rescue me. My obsession deteriorated me to the point of being unable to function in any kind of 'normal' environment. I became convinced of delusions and was so twisted in deception - I wanted to die.

But God's love went further than I ever imagined - I found that true love does not need to be tested; but hoped in, through faith. It blows me away that God would take the time to convince me of who He is and how much He loves me. He who created reason, desires to reason with me that I might have a greater glimpse of understanding. He is delighted to fix; even perfect, the broken things, and He is content to fix quietly and anonymously. He used my husband to save my life, and through JD's love I was able to understand the Lord's heart towards me. What's amazing is this does not compromise His greatness but is the preface of His great love for us. Praise the Lord - He is so far above us and yet He longs to be with us even though we can not see Him for who He really is. He is willing to be revealed slowly, and my desire is to live my life in pursuit of knowing Him more.

I guess I could call this a bad hair day...

Lately I have been sleeping in; I'm finding myself drenched in guilt every time I wake up in the morning. Today was no exception and as I got showered and dressed, I thought that all I had to do was blow dry my hair and I could just sit down (for a measly 10 minutes) and be with the Lord. I sat down before the Lord and felt myself fighting the urge to just mess up my hair and not try to be so perfect. I'm feeling so plastic lately and I hate when the Lord sees me that way. Not that He doesn't see me all the time, but when I'm making myself really aware of His presence it nags at me. My hair became so heavy on my head and I was just so tempted to cut it off. I was wondering why I can blow dry my hair and bounce in the next room to say hi to my husband, but I can't with God. Why am I still trying to drum up the appropriate feelings I need to have in order to talk with Him?
I feel like there are two types of 'good' Christians in my head. There's the super grunge, hard-core, hyper-sensitive christian contrasted with the nice hair, clean fingernails, skirt wearing christian. The first christian can express amazing emotions toward the Lord; the second doesn't really struggle much with obedience. I wrestle constantly with wondering, "What is the Lord requiring of me?" Especially, in light of scripture contrasted with the culture. Does my Christianity look like it should? If Jesus were to come back now, would He be pleased with what He saw? I desperately want Him to be pleased with me and it seems to plague everything I do.
I was reminded yesterday about the importance of faith - again. I am constantly going back to this - realizing that without faith it is impossible to please God. And so often I am without faith - not trusting in His character but in my own ability to make God happy with me. I was challenged at prayer last night remembering that if God IS love, and love hopes all things, believes all things and endures all things. How often do I see God thinking that way toward me? That's still something I have to push myself to believe every morning.
Something that has helped me tremendously in doing this is to deliberately rejoice that I am a sinner, and Christ still loves me. I find that the people who are most content & steadfast in their walk with the Lord have accepted that fact - and they know how to move on. I think I am still stuck or something - I have not yet discovered how to (simply) just move on. I see that I am horrible... or I guess that something I'm doing has potential to be horrible and I freeze up. I don't trust the Lord to lead me through, I am afraid I that I'm not sure how to get back to Him - back to His prescence.
It's a tricky thing to talk about how sin separates us from God. God himself has become the bridge back to Himself and we are no longer separated from Him by our sin. If I constantly look around the bridge for another way, my own way - I will find myself lost. Because there is no other way. Sin has separated us in once sense, but in another in gives us incredible freedom to acknowledge our sin and put our trust in Christ. God is so good - I'm praying that I will be so engaged in that truth at all times that I will not be shaken as much as I am.

Monday, May 7, 2007

For your edification....

JD & I have been listening to teachings on SermonIndex.net by Paul Washer. Our friend Tracy Tyson told us to check out this sermon, "Modern American Christianity." We were blown away by it and have been listening to more whenever we can in our spare time. I hope this blesses and challenges you as it did me...

http://www.jdsmith.biz/teachings/paulwasher/Modern-American-Christianity.mp3

Here is another sermon on dating that brought me to tears. I was so humbled in seeing how far our culture is from what the bible teaches - and I am continually broken when I realize my need for the Lord's intervention in my life... that I need Him in all things that I do.

http://www.jdsmith.biz/teachings/paulwasher/Dating-Sermon.mp3

Trying to start this off on the right foot

Well, I don't like writing new posts because I feel like I have to have some kind of deep introduction. So my friend Steve suggested I write about my new mushrooms. :) So I thought - what a good idea! I love making baking... And since I'm on this meringue kick, I wanted to sculpt the meringue somehow. Of course mushrooms was the only logical thing to make! I debated about forest animals... but somehow that didn't work out. :P



Yay! It's my first post. I'm thinking (as I'm eating these) of how I could incorporate these into a cake design somehow. And why isn't someone having a birthday soon enough for me to make it?