Feeling at home when I cry...

Why is that? I don't know if it's just me or everyone has this (or maybe every woman?) but I feel the most like myself when I am crying. Not just crying, but mourning...
I struggle so much in my fight for joy. I console myself by taking refuge in mourning... solace in pain. And for so much of my life, having joy meant being shallow.
Now the Lord has brought me into a place where I am overwhelmed (I am so tempted to say surprised, especially because it's a better descriptor) by joy. But I miss mourning. I miss crying. I'm not sure what this is about.... I am praying for some clarity... Mourning is to be expected, that's for sure. And maybe it's something we need... Maybe my mourning is good, but misdirected. Maybe I'm practicing because I'm afraid that when my time for mourning comes I won't be able to stand.... Maybe it's a place that I go where I feel like I can be comforted when I mourn. It makes me feel more human to cry for other people's loss...
Whenever people talk about 'places they go' it usually, most likely, is not a good thing. Are there certain areas of my heart that I'm not willing to give to the Lord because I feel like it defines who I am and I can't give it up? I'm certain there are... I've been in the process of giving them up all my life. What's amazing is that He somehow remakes me more real than the thing of "reality" that I gave up. I can realize that the area of my heart that I was hiding wasn't really an area at all... it was a door to something the Lord wanted to unlock to make me more glorifying to Him.
Anyway, I'm not sure why this is worth writing about... but I just noticed that I put on a certain song that I know makes me cry...