If you really want to know what goes through JD's mind...

Lately I've always been laying down after I eat... I don't know why it's happening or why I'm having the urge, but it's bothering me because I keep hearing it's bad for you. JD is insisting that it isn't so I thought I'd google it. I couldn't find anything in my search (except that some people were claiming it makes you fat) but I did find this article that seemed so kindred to JD that I had to post it:

How to Sneak Around the House at Night to Eat (For Kids)
Do you ever need a mid night snack, or maybe you are going to a friends party? What ever your need may be, this guide will help express your inner guile. This guide will teach you how to sneak in a common environment, your home. This is written for the standpoint from someone in highschool or lower and lives with their parents or parent-like room mates, and works best for people in big houses.

Steps
Plan out how and when it is going to take place, before you sneak out. Random spur of the moment sneaks rarely go as planned.It also helps to be paranoid and plan for people actually listening or trying to catch you on your sneak.
Dress dark. it isn't necessary but it helps, and try to wear tight fitting clothes to avoid getting caught on something or making noise from movement, if you are sneaking out and have something particular you want to wear, carry it in a backpack so you can change once in the clear. It is a good idea to make it look like you are still in the bed during your sneak, pillows do work but it isn't advised because if someone goes to check on you while you are hiding it will be obvious that you are sneaking out. Instead, fluff the blankets the mess up the bed to make it look like you are in it but if someone goes to check on you and the find out you arent there you can say that you were just getting a drink of water or something, (note: this wont work out to well if you are dressed, the best alternative is to not get caught, though most times it is out of your control and getting caught cant be helped).
Schedule a time for your air conditioner to turn on for when you want to sneak out. When the AC turns on wait a minute or two (depending on how long the AC will be on), after your short wait the AC provides good, but limited ambient noise that any half alseep person could easily blame for noise you make.
During the sneak, Always walk slowly, when taking a step walk with either: Your toes first, and ease back onto your heels, or with your heel first and ease onto your toes. Walking flat footed creates thumping noises. Don't turn on any lights unless you absolutely have to, and make sure that the light cant be seen from another persons room. If you have animals try not to wake them but if it is unavoidable wake them slowly and comfort them so the don't make a noise thinking you are an intruder. Below is a list of things you may encounter:
If someone wakes up, don't run back to your room unless necessary, your should know the lay out of your home so it shouldn't be that hard to find a place to duck and hide for a few minutes. If the person goes to check on you immediately start to undress as quickly and as quietly as you can (unless you are already in your sleepwear, you also shouldn't do this if you are close to you room because you stand a higher chance of getting caught, it works best on a different floor or at least a few rooms away) after you did hide them and either lay down on a chair or couch and pretend to be sleeping (so that you can say you got up to get something but felt too tired to walk to your room) or, if you are close to the kitchen go there and hide so that if they go to look in the kitchen you can say you were getting a drink. (Note: Only hide or (insert excuse of your choice here) until you hear the person go back to their room, they may panic or call for you or someone else (this usually happens if they don't fall for your bed trick) in that event make sure your clothes are well hidden and either pretend to be startled by the noise they make and go to them and give them your excuse, or pretend to still be asleep and wait for them to wake you and then give them your excuse) If they fall for your trick, or just got up to check on something, continue to hide until they return to their room and then wait a few minutes. When you are positive they are asleep continue your sneak.
If you need to go up or downstairs then be sure to step carefully, toes first, and always double step (A double step is when you quietly step onto a stair with one foot then quietly bring your other foot down onto the SAME STEP) Single stepping is more rapid and has a greater chance to create noise. Either loosely grab a hand rail or don't at all, grabbing a handrail firmly may cause it to creak or squeak from your hand sliding down it.
If you are a secret midnight snacker don't open the fridge from the handle, this can often make a creak or a cracking noise, instead find the crease where the fridges door meets the fridges body. Slowly open the door from there. Also, if you are opening a cupboard or pantry that squeaks, opening it slowly rarely helps, it will just make a long annoying creak, sometimes (but not always) opening a cupboard or pantry fast will make either a short squeak or no noise at all, in most cases this is a better choice, but be careful not to hit anything while opening it.
When opening a door be sure to turn the handle slowly and try to apply a little pressure with your free hand ( Just place your hand to the crease where the door meets the door frame and push a little, this keeps it from making a noise when opening it). After the door is open quietly walk through it and slowly pull it closed and keep the handle turned apply pressure before you pull it into its frame so it doesn't make any noises.
Just because you are outside the house with the door closed doesn't mean you don't make noise, try to be quiet until you are a good distance away, and don't talk unless it is whispering.

Tips
Wear dark clothes.
If you have long hair, make it into a pony tail and stuff it down the back of your shirt.
Have a map of your house drawn out with good hiding places noted.
Have a list of excuses ready for any situation.
Dont get caught!
If it is a legal sneak (people wont be mad if they catch you, you are just sneaking so you don't bug them) Be sure to leave a note, it prevents a lot of problems.

Warnings
Try not to do any tricks that will immediately show you are sneaking (ie: Don't do the pillow under the covers trick, because if someone pulls up you covers and sees your pillow they will know you are sneaking.)
Don't carry a flashlight that is on.
Don't carry anything that makes a bright light or might make a sound.
Be care full going up and down stairs in the dark.
Check if the food you are eating is safe to eat, if any thing is left out for more than 2 hrs, avoid eating it.
Also check if you are allergic to that food, if you are avoid eating it!!!

Summer happenings...

I want to say that summer has gone by really fast... but when I think about it - I realize that we have a long way to go! Texas summers just seem to last a lot longer than Philly summers. Actually I don't think I even knew what summer was until I came to Texas. My mom will argue that that's not true... but she hasn't experienced this!


My mom and sister came to visit us while we were still in house renovation mode - honestly I know I'm so behind in posting pictures of all that! This weekend is my goal - because at that point I'll be able to actually take pictures of it.


We had so much help during our grand finale - and we are so thankful! I keep promising everyone who helped a bbq or something to thank them...


We were dog sitting for our friends Tom & Sara who went to China to adopt their new daughter! Tom & Sara were able to take care of Ransom for a month? Two month? Sara can help me remember... while we were remodeling. Here's Ariel with Veenya...


Ice Cream has been the biggest hit this summer. JD's mom got me an ice cream maker and I've been loving it! I have been churning out as fast as I can and with the help of David Lebovitz I've been able to make some pretty amazing flavors. Blue Cheese ice cream with candied bacon over grilled pears anyone?


Now that the house is done I'm dreaming about the garden. Gardening is something I can not do at all - but I long to be able to stroll through lush greenery in the evening. However, since my yard is the size of my thumb nail, I doubt I'd be doing much strolling. But I'm content to learn all I can to make a beautiful garden.

Currently I'm obsessed with Peonies. My friend Teresa turned me on to them... and I've been in love with them ever since. It's a good thing they come in over 200 varieties. I'll be happy to plan a row of different kinds alongside of the house - they are beautiful to use as cuttings. Even more beautiful to eat!


BTW - I love putting flowers in the bathroom... Actually I love putting things in places people might think then normally too good to go - did that make sense? I feel like it's a nice surprise when it's in an unexpected place.

Ransom in action - notice I am on the move with his dog bowl, carefully discouraging his horrible "little dog" habit of loving to jump. I think we decided to really take action when he literally ran over Carizza's mom when she came over. I think she had fun though. He is pretty cute & fluffy. :)




Getting ready for our Tye is a nice guy party! Tye is an intern with GFA and I think I'm going to miss him horribly as his internship is almost over! He has sat next to me for about a year now and fortunately for him (haha) we have the same sarcastic sense of humor that keeps things fun for me. I used to sit all alone in my little area upstairs - but now every seat is occupied. It's so cool!


Don't miss the fact that JD is wearing an amazing handmade tie for our Tye party... He thought he was pretty clever. Also notice our amazingly long bathroom! This is probably the first remodeled pic you'll see of our bathroom - I'm so happy with how it turned out! Believe it or not, we got pretty much everyone at a super low price! The Lord really provided everything and then He pieced it all together to fit so nice!



Funny story: in anticipation of going to someone's house at night who has a beautiful backyard which will potentially be lit up with fireflies to chase and leave me wanting to be barefoot, I painted my toenails! While I was waddling around with my toe dividers on Jd looked at me and then my feet and then back at me and he was like, "What's wrong with your toes?" And I said, "Oh it's toe dividers - so my toes won't touch." JD said, "Oh wow - I better wear those too because my toes touch eachother all the time!"

The Red Badge of Courage?

Well, this weekend we hosted our “Renewing your Passion” Conference and it was amazing! About 1000 people were at the hotel, spending the whole weekend praying and fellowshipping. It was completely wonderful, and every time I’m there, I’m sad that more people I know weren’t there! I feel like it’s so hard for me to communicate why this conference is so much better than anything else I’ve ever attended… why the fellowship feels so much more real, and why my spirit feels so in tune with the Lord that I never want to leave.

And because I’m feeling all these things… I decided to blog about it. :) Mostly because I’m left with something I’m trying to figure out? Because at the conference I felt so completely like my true self –unlike the “imposter self” that I’ve been living with these past 3 years at GFA. While I love being here, and I know that I would not be happy anywhere else (because it’s outside the Lord’s will, not because living in New Zealand sipping lattes and going on treks wouldn’t make me happy!) – I feel like I have not been able to engage my true “spiritual self” for a very long time (maybe the entire 3 years?). At GFA, I’m constantly being pulled with longings that look like materialism, fighting to pray, feeling completely isolated and in general – fighting apathy. I know this isn’t who God has freed me to be – and I’m not sure why it’s suddenly becoming a pretty prominent portion of my character. I guess it’s just been really disheartening.

At the conference, however, I was a different person. I was able to reach out and converse with people I didn’t know, pray with a joyful and full heart, and sing to the Lord during worship (and not just wondering if the songs are theologically correct or not… or thinking about why I can’t hit the notes right… or thinking about something else entirely). At first I thought maybe it was a fake me, trying to put my best foot forward to make sure I could impress everyone and represent GFA well. After all, everywhere I went, I was wearing the red “staff” badge the whole weekend. Everyone that saw me knew I was supposed to be “spiritual.”

I think the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what was coming out of me was actually no effort at all. In fact, it took a lot less effort than my groanings about prayer meetings or feeling like I’m under a microscope all the time. I think, for the first time in a long time, I was free. I felt like rather than renewing my passion I was able to unlock my passion. That kinda sounds weird I guess – but it feels so true for me. I was trying to figure out why I was able to be this way and what I realized was kind of startling (to me at least…) and now I’m trying to figure out how I can practically live this truth out.

I realized that wearing my red badge constantly reminded me of who I was. I was a missionary, on staff at Gospel for Asia, and I had given my life for this cause. It felt so plain and so evident to me (especially because of the way people were treating me, asking me questions, wanting to pray for me/ with me… etc.) that I had no other option but to act like a staff person! I think wearing that red badge helped me realize who I was. And it let me be who I was… and I really felt free. I think I just so purely trusted that people would want to talk to me… or that they loved me. I know they loved GFA and they prayed for me… and I felt so confident that I could be there friend. And I felt so confident that I could share… because I knew they just naturally expected answers from me. And just as naturally, I was able to give them!

It’s not that I don’t feel loved by the people at GFA – quite the opposite. The amount of “loved-ness” I feel here has been so completely amazing that I know it’s profoundly impacted how I view any type of community in the church. But still, I struggle with being liked, or accepted – or I’m afraid I won’t make interesting enough conversation. I’m also afraid I don’t pray that well… and therefore I don’t pray. Or I’m afraid I don’t know anything about GFA… and so I don’t share the ministry. These things came so naturally while I was wearing my red badge… but now – they seem like a memory to me. I’m back to struggling.

Anyway… now I’m left with prayer. Not that that’s a bad thing (I’ll be forever realizing how much it’s actually my only thing!). I trust that the Lord will someday let me silently wear my red badge – a constant reminder of… not who I will be one day but who I actually am. And He does all things well. :)

More to say that probably demands another entry... sorry. :(

I found out the shack is fiction - it's not a real story. Travis tipped me off and I was kind of amazed. I felt kind of relieved... because I was having a really hard time figuring out how to make sense out of all of it... but I also felt... I don't know. A little empty? Or... I don't know.

I think this happens to me a lot... maybe I'm really gullible. Like when I read Out of the Silent Planet (C.S. Lewis claims he's ghost writing this for his friend and he gives his own personal reaction to the story.. as if it's real) and I ran up to Stephanie all paranoid about potential life on Mars. I think I like to think those things... I'm not sure why?

I also found out the author is a Unitarian - universalist... While I haven't read far enough into the book to know much else, there are (apparently) definite arrows pointing to his "theology" he weaves through the book.

Here's what I'm left with (trying to figure me out)...

1. I read things that are controversial because that is fun to me.

2. I start to poke my head out of my God shell and wonder if it could be true.

3. This results in my wanting to talk to God because he seems to be portrayed as nicer than I think He is, and He seems so approachable, I'm almost overwhelmed. I am still a little scared.

4. I think for a long time and can't do anything else.

5. I find that all the controversy is rightfully founded and I need to maybe put the book down.

6. I am sad because I feel like not only am I back to square one, I feel like God must be the opposite of all the things those heretics are saying.

7. I talk about it to everyone and just feel generally confused.

8. I listen to people that are controversial on the other side (a.k.a radical theologian) and feel (instead of happiness about finding out how approachable God is), awe about how awesome and amazing He is and I want to worship Him.

9. I realize that the more I listen to the more I realize that I still haven't totally sorted out how to relate to God yet because I'm not able to live the way this person yells about how I should live.

10. I want to burn all my clothes and shop at thrift stores.

11. I start judging everyone else who doesn't think about all the high and lofty things I think about... and I isolate myself from everyone.

13. Repeat.

The night I read the Shack and watched Lord of the Rings... which might have been a bad idea.

So I have been wanting to blog again... but I hate doing it when I haven't done it in awhile... and I feel weird about getting my feet wet and having everyone see. But I want to... and I feel like I'm in a place where I might like feedback... Maybe? or maybe it's a bad idea.

But that's okay... if it is a bad idea. I'll think about that later. But since I still don't want to FULLY get my feet wet, I'm just going to paste in an email I wrote to JD when he asked me why I wasn't able to really pray at prayer meeting this morning... because I feel like I would like to talk about it. And I wish Stephanie wasn't so busy. :P

Okay, here's my email:

When I was reading that book last night, I just felt like... I don't know. God was interacting with this man... for real. And there were three people, and they were all God... but they were all different. And their roles just made sense. And they loved each other. And they did weird things - like Jesus dropped the pancake batter... and they all laughed. God laughed... And God revealed himself to this man as a large African American woman. And it was odd - but it started to make sense. And then it more than made sense... and it felt like, a lot of explanations. And it felt like - everything I expected God to be, He wasn't being. But it didn't really go against what the Bible says either. And it certainly didn't go against what I had hoped He would be. It just was something totally different than what my mind thinks of God. And why my mind always has ideas of what God is and how I pray. Why do I always feel like God doesn't like modern things? Or God speaks in old proper English? Why do I think those things? And I feel like that's just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like the things I think about God turn Him into something He is certainly not! And what is He? I feel like I don't know. Even how I read the Bible - the way I read it, and the way I handle the pages. I'm always thinking, always remembering... everything that everyone else thinks, all the pictures I've been shown, and the explanations I've been given. I can't get away from it.

Maybe it God did reveal Himself as a large African American woman who makes pancakes... I would stop thinking of everything else I imagine when I imagine myself as talking to God.

It's kind of like when I talk to you... What if our entire marriage, I was imagining you to be a ... I can't even imagine how I could relate it - but if I thought you were something that you clearly aren't (like a library or a cup or tea or an elephant) - and I treated you as such and I thought of you as such and I approached you with all of the conditions that I would if I thought you were those things... I would be completely delusional. And everything I thought would be tainted.

And I KNOW that in some ways... that's how it's supposed to be... But I feel like at least if I have a general idea...and I keep working towards knowing what you are really like. I guess I would call that progress. And I could move in a direction of communicating. But what if I so strongly imagined you as those things, that other things I was learning about you were interfering with my idea. But I so strongly believed what I knew - that I couldn't even question it. Because thinking you were not really what I thought would never even enter my mind. Because it's so much a part of everything I know. There's only so far the mind can bend you know...

I don't know...

And then I watched Lord of the Rings? Which... was just so weird... I was watching it and I was thinking... "No... these people would never make pancakes. But somehow - it was like God too. It was just as real as the book I was reading. They BOTH felt like God. But they seem opposite from each other (the book even talked about how the man expected to look and see someone quite a lot like Gandalf when he saw God). There was urgency (not time to talk about things and have fun and laugh... who could be laughing in that movie? Who would have been acting like they had all the time in the world?") I feel like... what world do I live in? Do I live in a world where Jesus wants to sit down and make me pancakes and laugh about things and help me? Or do I live in a world where "my quest hangs on the edge of a knife? Straying but a little and I will fall?" If I stray a little.... if I have to WORRY about straying a little... I will have no time for pancakes? I won't even be hungry!

And then I was sad.. when I woke up and you told me Boromir died. I don't know why... it just hit me so heavy. I think I almost thought about death for the first time when I heard that. Or at least... it seemed that way. I thought about him and then about how he wasn't. And how it was so quick. And how it was for the quest. And how it mattered. But did he know? And was he healed? And is he having pancakes now? I just thought and thought and thought...

And then... at the very end... when we were listening to Enya. I was thinking about that too. And wondering what was so appealing about that music. And I thought about the elves and how they ministered to people. And how... somehow someone would be sick or hurting or lost or something... And the elves would just appear to them.. or sing to them or speak to them. And they would be well. And I wondered why? And I thought about what motivates people to do things. What makes them get up? And I realized it was beauty. It was because of the beauty of the elves and the beauty of the songs... somehow.. I don't know. But I thought about God. And I thought about our motivation to do what we do. And I thought about all the horrible things in the world... and all the reasons why it should make us want to do this or that about it. And I wondered about what regenerates us and what makes us want to sit back and just forget who we are? And I think it must be beauty. Something transcendent. Or something... I don't know. But it doesn't seem that pressing needs or horrible stories do much - not in the long run anyway. At least... not for me. And I felt better. I felt hopeful - that maybe it was about beauty. And maybe the song at the end of the movie was meant to minister to me. And make me feel like it would all be okay - because the song would heal me.

I think I only got a small percentage of what I was really thinking.... I mean - I can't quite convey it. But it seemed shocking to me when I was first rubbing up against the idea. That after seeing all the angst and trials that were in that movie... the thing that kept reviving everyone wasn't good conversation or the thought of their friends being hurt. It was always the elves. They were always giving direction, giving gifts and giving songs... They gave them spirits. And I felt like maybe that's what God gives to me. To help me to do what I do here... and is that why I'm not as motivated by the pictures and the stories...

I don't know. I still can't communicate it because it felt a lot more shocking. It felt a lot more true. Maybe because it was in the form of Enya. Maybe that's why God might be more shocking and more true if he was in the form of a black woman?