The Red Badge of Courage?

Well, this weekend we hosted our “Renewing your Passion” Conference and it was amazing! About 1000 people were at the hotel, spending the whole weekend praying and fellowshipping. It was completely wonderful, and every time I’m there, I’m sad that more people I know weren’t there! I feel like it’s so hard for me to communicate why this conference is so much better than anything else I’ve ever attended… why the fellowship feels so much more real, and why my spirit feels so in tune with the Lord that I never want to leave.

And because I’m feeling all these things… I decided to blog about it. :) Mostly because I’m left with something I’m trying to figure out? Because at the conference I felt so completely like my true self –unlike the “imposter self” that I’ve been living with these past 3 years at GFA. While I love being here, and I know that I would not be happy anywhere else (because it’s outside the Lord’s will, not because living in New Zealand sipping lattes and going on treks wouldn’t make me happy!) – I feel like I have not been able to engage my true “spiritual self” for a very long time (maybe the entire 3 years?). At GFA, I’m constantly being pulled with longings that look like materialism, fighting to pray, feeling completely isolated and in general – fighting apathy. I know this isn’t who God has freed me to be – and I’m not sure why it’s suddenly becoming a pretty prominent portion of my character. I guess it’s just been really disheartening.

At the conference, however, I was a different person. I was able to reach out and converse with people I didn’t know, pray with a joyful and full heart, and sing to the Lord during worship (and not just wondering if the songs are theologically correct or not… or thinking about why I can’t hit the notes right… or thinking about something else entirely). At first I thought maybe it was a fake me, trying to put my best foot forward to make sure I could impress everyone and represent GFA well. After all, everywhere I went, I was wearing the red “staff” badge the whole weekend. Everyone that saw me knew I was supposed to be “spiritual.”

I think the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what was coming out of me was actually no effort at all. In fact, it took a lot less effort than my groanings about prayer meetings or feeling like I’m under a microscope all the time. I think, for the first time in a long time, I was free. I felt like rather than renewing my passion I was able to unlock my passion. That kinda sounds weird I guess – but it feels so true for me. I was trying to figure out why I was able to be this way and what I realized was kind of startling (to me at least…) and now I’m trying to figure out how I can practically live this truth out.

I realized that wearing my red badge constantly reminded me of who I was. I was a missionary, on staff at Gospel for Asia, and I had given my life for this cause. It felt so plain and so evident to me (especially because of the way people were treating me, asking me questions, wanting to pray for me/ with me… etc.) that I had no other option but to act like a staff person! I think wearing that red badge helped me realize who I was. And it let me be who I was… and I really felt free. I think I just so purely trusted that people would want to talk to me… or that they loved me. I know they loved GFA and they prayed for me… and I felt so confident that I could be there friend. And I felt so confident that I could share… because I knew they just naturally expected answers from me. And just as naturally, I was able to give them!

It’s not that I don’t feel loved by the people at GFA – quite the opposite. The amount of “loved-ness” I feel here has been so completely amazing that I know it’s profoundly impacted how I view any type of community in the church. But still, I struggle with being liked, or accepted – or I’m afraid I won’t make interesting enough conversation. I’m also afraid I don’t pray that well… and therefore I don’t pray. Or I’m afraid I don’t know anything about GFA… and so I don’t share the ministry. These things came so naturally while I was wearing my red badge… but now – they seem like a memory to me. I’m back to struggling.

Anyway… now I’m left with prayer. Not that that’s a bad thing (I’ll be forever realizing how much it’s actually my only thing!). I trust that the Lord will someday let me silently wear my red badge – a constant reminder of… not who I will be one day but who I actually am. And He does all things well. :)