Songs that make me close my eyes...

Waiting for Love

It’s such a hard thing to say I love you
And it’s harder to not say at all
Wanting the words to come out, but the heart won’t let them
Cause the line is tangled again

We’re all waiting for love
And love keeps running away…
Don’t run away from me

It’s such a hard thing to hear I love you
And it’s harder to not hear at all
Wanting the words to come in, but the heart won’t reel in
Cause the line is twisted again

We were waiting for love
And love keeps running away…
Don’t run away from me

I dreamed of a moment between you & I
In our ocean of silence, we started to try
Down by our hidden hearts –
Together we’ll loosen the knotted parts
The words were untwisted – the silence was lifted
And we untangled the line

We were waiting for love
And love was reeling us in…
Reeling us in.

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Kiss my Head

Tell me one more time of the story - of how you loved me,
You loved me again…
My heart is only worth the glory - of how you found me,
And called me friend.

I don’t know how to live –
I’ve got nothing to give.
But you speak of a faithful commitment to me
You reach – where no one has reached
You reached me – you reached me…

I’m just a prodigal,
I’m stuck in the mud with my head sunken
Deep diabolical
Like a hurricane
You catch my foot, pull me down
Put me safely on the ground again

Then you kiss my head again,
Kiss my head again –
And you tell me again….

You tell me one more time how you loved me,
You loved me…
And love will never end.

Feeling at home when I cry...

Why is that? I don't know if it's just me or everyone has this (or maybe every woman?) but I feel the most like myself when I am crying. Not just crying, but mourning...
I struggle so much in my fight for joy. I console myself by taking refuge in mourning... solace in pain. And for so much of my life, having joy meant being shallow.
Now the Lord has brought me into a place where I am overwhelmed (I am so tempted to say surprised, especially because it's a better descriptor) by joy. But I miss mourning. I miss crying. I'm not sure what this is about.... I am praying for some clarity... Mourning is to be expected, that's for sure. And maybe it's something we need... Maybe my mourning is good, but misdirected. Maybe I'm practicing because I'm afraid that when my time for mourning comes I won't be able to stand.... Maybe it's a place that I go where I feel like I can be comforted when I mourn. It makes me feel more human to cry for other people's loss...
Whenever people talk about 'places they go' it usually, most likely, is not a good thing. Are there certain areas of my heart that I'm not willing to give to the Lord because I feel like it defines who I am and I can't give it up? I'm certain there are... I've been in the process of giving them up all my life. What's amazing is that He somehow remakes me more real than the thing of "reality" that I gave up. I can realize that the area of my heart that I was hiding wasn't really an area at all... it was a door to something the Lord wanted to unlock to make me more glorifying to Him.
Anyway, I'm not sure why this is worth writing about... but I just noticed that I put on a certain song that I know makes me cry...

Our puppy! :)

Here he is.... I'm pretty excited. We are stilling debating on the name though - it's between Caspian and Link. if you have any opinions... please share!

Support Trip In Philadelphia

Wow - God is so good... I have been so worn out these past few days... I found that if I get a 11:00 nap & a 2:00 nap I'm able to get through... Our time in Philadelphia has been absolutely amazing - I have missed being able to invest in these people up here. It's been difficult for me to find the time to do that with each person I'm close with (and even those I don't know that well) while I'm in TX and normally when we do come up to visit it's usually large groups of people and can feel more... shallow? Which is hard because I feel like my heart is always in this continuously sober state whenever I'm up here so relating was usually kind of weird. Anyway, it's just been really really good to take solid chunks of time really ministering to people and praying with them. I am more convinced than ever about the need to re-establish God's design for the family in our daily lives. I'm just seeing so much of a lacking there... and it's hard. Our culture is extremely aggressive in stealing anything of value away from our families. It seems that if we really want to walk the fine line of the call to holiness, we need to completely abstain from things of this world. I think, what's most often hard to swallow, is that things of this world permeate virtually everything I do!

Jd & I would like to have children one day and we're praying about the Lord's timing in that. But I am honestly so afraid. I feel like in order to protect our minds from the influence of this world we need to be careful of what we watch and where we go... and what we listen to. Right now I'm thinking of staying away from all movie theaters, malls, and radio stations... I am seeing messages from the devil everywhere.... And the more we are exposed to perversion, the more natural it becomes... I'm just afraid of missing it. Every well meaning Christian I talk to tells me that "You can't shield your child from everything and if you don't expose them to it sooner or later, they will either rebel or be a complete outcast." Is that true? I'm not sure... I'm just wrestling a lot with this. I told Jd yesterday that I hear of so many people praying that they will have beautiful or smart children. I would almost rather have my child born with a handicap that would cause them to be rejected by the world. I think I'd rather have an outcast than a prom queen. I am just so tired of bowing down to the devil's of idea of beauty and success. I am tired of watching those I love bow to it. I will need all of God's grace on my life to help keep my children from doing the same...

I am just in prayer - I want to be guided by the spirit and let love rule in our home... I'm not interested in just making up hard rules for the sake of rules.... But I am no longer convinced that the Lord is grieved by the compromise we subject ourselves to in order to be 'normal.' When did God call us to a life of normal? Did He not call us to forsake all? What does that mean? What does it mean when I live in this culture?

Anyway... that's all that I'm thinking about.... I'd be grateful for any thoughts....