Seeking Dim Reflections

The Gift of Marriage

2009-10-24T06:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like this could be titled: What I wish for every Man... but if I titled it that I would surely need a subtitle, something to the effect of: "In light of the inexhaustible blessing I have received from One..." so that I wouldn't seem presumptuous or forward.

For so long I have struggled with the idea of marriage roles because I feel what so many people are seeking (namely men, sorry) is the thought of a comfortable, submissive, ever-doting playmate. And while those things are not wrong and have settled into some of my personal ideals of "wife," I am always brought back to the purpose of marriage - it's reflection of the relationship between Christ and His Bride.

I discovered an excerpt from C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves" that so perfectly settled the dispute in my mind that I needed to share it. Lewis describes the very thing that I want for every marriage, though I'm sure (often whether it's participants are willing to submit to it or not, it seems men are quick to find the same weakened condition throughout all women once they are married) He in his pleasure makes it happen. Seeking manipulation more than submission and cut through with sinful addictions, I'm not sure I was in a marriageable state when my husband pursued me. I know he took an incredible chance on me - pure obedience and fear of God was (perhaps?) the strongest ingredient of his proposal of marriage. I hope this doesn't present JD in a negative light - if it does, it all the more validates my need Lewis' quote.

I feel like I have been the benefactor of the most incredible blessing. God has provided me with a husband who relentlessly desires to refine me and tirelessly forgives me. And, being a person who came to the arrangement spiritually bankrupt and emotionally debted, marriage has given me such a higher taste of holiness that it often gets mixed up in my mind with my regeneration. And, I think it should - marriage's greatest gift is it's fierce potency.

Oh, quick disclaimer to say that my marriage is far from an unhappy one, I can't think of a union happier than ours. It's more to say that my happiness, in a large part, comes from knowing this truth (below) and bearing it's fruit - in all it's varied colors and emotions.

"The husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church -read on - and give his life for her. This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is - in her own mere nature - least lovable. For the Church has no beauty but what the Bride-groom gives her; he does not find, but makes her, lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man's marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth the Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed not other sort) never despairs. He is a King Cophetua who after twenty years still hopes that the beggar-girl will one day learn to speak the truth and wash behind her ears.
To say this is not to say that there is any virtue or wisdom in making a marriage that involves such misery. There is not wisdom or virtue in seeking unnecessary martyrdom or deliberately courting persecution; yet it is, none the less, the persecuted or martyred Christian in whom the pattern of the Master is most unambiguously realised. So, in these terrible marriages, once they have come about, the "headship" of the husband, if only he can sustain it, is most Christ-like.
The sternest feminist need not grudge my sex the crown offered to it either in the Pagan or in the Christian mystery. For the one is of paper and the other of thorns. The real danger is not that the husband may grasp the latter too eagerly; but that they will allow or compel their wives to usurp it."

One more thought and then I'm done

2008-11-21T09:20:00.001-08:00

Still "The Shack".... I feel like things don't die easily with me... but here's to wrestling. :)

I'm so afraid of missing God in my arguments and taking positions that somehow leave out the most important things about Him. I felt like I needed to give this book a chance. (Probably more on that in a later blog... I feel like I'm being asked to give up these things... and I'm spending too much time giving too many things chances... rather than being fed by His hand...)

Anyway, thanks to Steve Cliff for sending me this stuff. This video is long but left me on the floor.

http://www.graceevan.org/344350.ihtml (it's a video - 45min. but please watch. Make some tea or something... I'm sure it's doable)

(Finally, I'm not sure how to make the pretty youtube looking box so this looks more like a video - but it is. :)

Christmas Fun Already

2008-11-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hey - this is a blog I subscribe to. I thought this sounded like a fun idea though, so I signed up. Check it out. :)

Economy

2008-09-24T14:47:00.001-07:00

[from JD - I'm tagging these from now on so you know whether it's Chrissy or me]

In my humble view, I see a much greater chance than not of a serious recession coming soon. The possibility for another great depression is also very real. If you remember the history from the "Roaring 20's" - times seemed to be never better than in the affluent late 1920's, until one day the floor fell out from under all of that. It must have been hard for anyone to imagine a depression then also - yet that seems to be how it comes - subtle tides of corruption and debt begin the slippery slope, and as long as more credit remains available the dire situation is not even felt - until one day it's "time to pay the piper" and everything hits the fan at once. That seems to be happening again today and it's hard to tell how deeply it will cut, or how long it will take to recover from it.

I seriously recommend that you consider placing a large portion of your assets in investments that are usually very safe and valuable during extreme financial difficulties, such as gold and silver - physical bullion or ETFs - small increments of bullion (coins) are best during the worst times when possibly even ETFs could be corrupted. An ETF (Exchange-Traded Fund) is a fund that is backed by 100% bullion according to its prospectus. GLD and SLV are the most well-known ones.

Gold and silver have historically been safer even than cash or any type of paper asset such as government treasury bonds, since paper currency can quickly devalue due to extreme inflation in a depression.

Of course the absolute best investment is in eternal things - sending money on to support missions work to spread the good news of life in Jesus, and help the poor and needy who are everywhere, especially in third world countries. There's no comparison to the infinite returns on that investment! So you might consider investing there soon while you know the dollar is still valuable...

All that said, I know that Christians are not to have a "spirit of fear" because we already know that we will always have all we need in Christ and He will sustain us as long as we need to be on this earth serving Him. Then our glorious eternal home awaits us who have believed on the name of Jesus for our salvation, trusting in the sufficiency of Jesus' sacrifice at the cross on our behalf. What better a time to pray, get to know God in a deeper way, and share this incredible news with our friends and family who don't know Him and don't have His peace and joy in their hearts yet!

The worse the economy gets, the more generous I plan to be, since many folks will need help I'm sure. Our provision is from God and I have seen Him provide just what was needed for us in hard times, too many times to count. He is good, and He's our Rock and Salvation!

Update on Orissa

2008-09-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

The threat of impending violence is still quite great - we are hearing that the authorities haven't thus far provided sufficient defense against the threat of mobs of hundreds or potentially thousands descending on an area all at once. Please pray for more government support and for the protection of all of the Christians and their churches and homes there. We know who the Victor is in the end! Amen.

Orissa Violence Spreading

2008-09-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

Today we received word that there is "imminent danger" of a large, coordinated attack on at least two separate GFA Bible colleges in India - one of them is an all-girls school, and the girls aren't even able to sleep through the night because they are so scared of being harmed.

In case you aren't up to date on the situation, here are a few links to catch you up on the unprecedented wave of persecution in Orissa that has killed at least 42 Christians, often by torturous means such as burning, stabbing and hacking to death. Over 800 churches and other facilities like orphanages were torched or bombed.

The violence has been spreading to other states in India such as Karnataka in the past week or two.

Here's what Indians are reading in the media:

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/India/Maoists_claim_they_killed_fascist_VHP_leader_in_Orissa/articleshow/3423908.cms

Here's the stories of what's happening, not in the media but from independent Christian bloggers:

http://orissaburning.blogspot.com/2008/08/20-year-old-rajni-burnt-to-death.html

http://andi-sheba.blogspot.com/2008/09/new-word-for-shame.html

Video: Religious violence in Orissa explained...

We all know that God has called us to love our enemies and pray for them. Please ask God that they would repent and acknowledge that Jesus is the risen Lord and the only One able to give us hope for eternal life through forgiveness of our sins.

I write blog posts too!

2008-09-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is my first post, but hey I think joining the blogosphere will be good for keeping up with all of you.

We really are blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family. So thank you for being a part of our lives!

I should be back again soon, so in the mean time, have a great weekend.
-JD

P.S. It's a good day to thank God for His protection over America since 9/11. We haven't seen further attacks in 7 years now. While the vigilance of Homeland Security is very commendable, it is God who keeps watch over every event and He is the One to thank for keeping our enemies at bay.

If you really want to know what goes through JD's mind...

2008-07-29T08:40:00.001-07:00

Lately I've always been laying down after I eat... I don't know why it's happening or why I'm having the urge, but it's bothering me because I keep hearing it's bad for you. JD is insisting that it isn't so I thought I'd google it. I couldn't find anything in my search (except that some people were claiming it makes you fat) but I did find this article that seemed so kindred to JD that I had to post it:

How to Sneak Around the House at Night to Eat (For Kids)
Do you ever need a mid night snack, or maybe you are going to a friends party? What ever your need may be, this guide will help express your inner guile. This guide will teach you how to sneak in a common environment, your home. This is written for the standpoint from someone in highschool or lower and lives with their parents or parent-like room mates, and works best for people in big houses.

Steps
Plan out how and when it is going to take place, before you sneak out. Random spur of the moment sneaks rarely go as planned.It also helps to be paranoid and plan for people actually listening or trying to catch you on your sneak.
Dress dark. it isn't necessary but it helps, and try to wear tight fitting clothes to avoid getting caught on something or making noise from movement, if you are sneaking out and have something particular you want to wear, carry it in a backpack so you can change once in the clear. It is a good idea to make it look like you are still in the bed during your sneak, pillows do work but it isn't advised because if someone goes to check on you while you are hiding it will be obvious that you are sneaking out. Instead, fluff the blankets the mess up the bed to make it look like you are in it but if someone goes to check on you and the find out you arent there you can say that you were just getting a drink of water or something, (note: this wont work out to well if you are dressed, the best alternative is to not get caught, though most times it is out of your control and getting caught cant be helped).
Schedule a time for your air conditioner to turn on for when you want to sneak out. When the AC turns on wait a minute or two (depending on how long the AC will be on), after your short wait the AC provides good, but limited ambient noise that any half alseep person could easily blame for noise you make.
During the sneak, Always walk slowly, when taking a step walk with either: Your toes first, and ease back onto your heels, or with your heel first and ease onto your toes. Walking flat footed creates thumping noises. Don't turn on any lights unless you absolutely have to, and make sure that the light cant be seen from another persons room. If you have animals try not to wake them but if it is unavoidable wake them slowly and comfort them so the don't make a noise thinking you are an intruder. Below is a list of things you may encounter:
If someone wakes up, don't run back to your room unless necessary, your should know the lay out of your home so it shouldn't be that hard to find a place to duck and hide for a few minutes. If the person goes to check on you immediately start to undress as quickly and as quietly as you can (unless you are already in your sleepwear, you also shouldn't do this if you are close to you room because you stand a higher chance of getting caught, it works best on a different floor or at least a few rooms away) after you did hide them and either lay down on a chair or couch and pretend to be sleeping (so that you can say you got up to get something but felt too tired to walk to your room) or, if you are close to the kitchen go there and hide so that if they go to look in the kitchen you can say you were getting a drink. (Note: Only hide or (insert excuse of your choice here) until you hear the person go back to their room, they may panic or call for you or someone else (this usually happens if they don't fall for your bed trick) in that event make sure your clothes are well hidden and either pretend to be startled by the noise they make and go to them and give them your excuse, or pretend to still be asleep and wait for them to wake you and then give them your excuse) If they fall for your trick, or just got up to check on something, continue to hide until they return to their room and then wait a few minutes. When you are positive they are asleep continue your sneak.
If you need to go up or downstairs then be sure to step carefully, toes first, and always double step (A double step is when you quietly step onto a stair with one foot then quietly bring your other foot down onto the SAME STEP) Single stepping is more rapid and has a greater chance to create noise. Either loosely grab a hand rail or don't at all, grabbing a handrail firmly may cause it to creak or squeak from your hand sliding down it.
If you are a secret midnight snacker don't open the fridge from the handle, this can often make a creak or a cracking noise, instead find the crease where the fridges door meets the fridges body. Slowly open the door from there. Also, if you are opening a cupboard or pantry that squeaks, opening it slowly rarely helps, it will just make a long annoying creak, sometimes (but not always) opening a cupboard or pantry fast will make either a short squeak or no noise at all, in most cases this is a better choice, but be careful not to hit anything while opening it.
When opening a door be sure to turn the handle slowly and try to apply a little pressure with your free hand ( Just place your hand to the crease where the door meets the door frame and push a little, this keeps it from making a noise when opening it). After the door is open quietly walk through it and slowly pull it closed and keep the handle turned apply pressure before you pull it into its frame so it doesn't make any noises.
Just because you are outside the house with the door closed doesn't mean you don't make noise, try to be quiet until you are a good distance away, and don't talk unless it is whispering.

Tips
Wear dark clothes.
If you have long hair, make it into a pony tail and stuff it down the back of your shirt.
Have a map of your house drawn out with good hiding places noted.
Have a list of excuses ready for any situation.
Dont get caught!
If it is a legal sneak (people wont be mad if they catch you, you are just sneaking so you don't bug them) Be sure to leave a note, it prevents a lot of problems.

Warnings
Try not to do any tricks that will immediately show you are sneaking (ie: Don't do the pillow under the covers trick, because if someone pulls up you covers and sees your pillow they will know you are sneaking.)
Don't carry a flashlight that is on.
Don't carry anything that makes a bright light or might make a sound.
Be care full going up and down stairs in the dark.
Check if the food you are eating is safe to eat, if any thing is left out for more than 2 hrs, avoid eating it.
Also check if you are allergic to that food, if you are avoid eating it!!!

Summer happenings...

2008-07-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

I want to say that summer has gone by really fast... but when I think about it - I realize that we have a long way to go! Texas summers just seem to last a lot longer than Philly summers. Actually I don't think I even knew what summer was until I came to Texas. My mom will argue that that's not true... but she hasn't experienced this!

My mom and sister came to visit us while we were still in house renovation mode - honestly I know I'm so behind in posting pictures of all that! This weekend is my goal - because at that point I'll be able to actually take pictures of it.

We had so much help during our grand finale - and we are so thankful! I keep promising everyone who helped a bbq or something to thank them...

We were dog sitting for our friends Tom & Sara who went to China to adopt their new daughter! Tom & Sara were able to take care of Ransom for a month? Two month? Sara can help me remember... while we were remodeling. Here's Ariel with Veenya...

Ice Cream has been the biggest hit this summer. JD's mom got me an ice cream maker and I've been loving it! I have been churning out as fast as I can and with the help of David Lebovitz I've been able to make some pretty amazing flavors. Blue Cheese ice cream with candied bacon over grilled pears anyone?

Now that the house is done I'm dreaming about the garden. Gardening is something I can not do at all - but I long to be able to stroll through lush greenery in the evening. However, since my yard is the size of my thumb nail, I doubt I'd be doing much strolling. But I'm content to learn all I can to make a beautiful garden.

Currently I'm obsessed with Peonies. My friend Teresa turned me on to them... and I've been in love with them ever since. It's a good thing they come in over 200 varieties. I'll be happy to plan a row of different kinds alongside of the house - they are beautiful to use as cuttings. Even more beautiful to eat!

BTW - I love putting flowers in the bathroom... Actually I love putting things in places people might think then normally too good to go - did that make sense? I feel like it's a nice surprise when it's in an unexpected place.

Ransom in action - notice I am on the move with his dog bowl, carefully discouraging his horrible "little dog" habit of loving to jump. I think we decided to really take action when he literally ran over Carizza's mom when she came over. I think she had fun though. He is pretty cute & fluffy. :)

Getting ready for our Tye is a nice guy party! Tye is an intern with GFA and I think I'm going to miss him horribly as his internship is almost over! He has sat next to me for about a year now and fortunately for him (haha) we have the same sarcastic sense of humor that keeps things fun for me. I used to sit all alone in my little area upstairs - but now every seat is occupied. It's so cool!

Don't miss the fact that JD is wearing an amazing handmade tie for our Tye party... He thought he was pretty clever. Also notice our amazingly long bathroom! This is probably the first remodeled pic you'll see of our bathroom - I'm so happy with how it turned out! Believe it or not, we got pretty much everyone at a super low price! The Lord really provided everything and then He pieced it all together to fit so nice!

Funny story: in anticipation of going to someone's house at night who has a beautiful backyard which will potentially be lit up with fireflies to chase and leave me wanting to be barefoot, I painted my toenails! While I was waddling around with my toe dividers on Jd looked at me and then my feet and then back at me and he was like, "What's wrong with your toes?" And I said, "Oh it's toe dividers - so my toes won't touch." JD said, "Oh wow - I better wear those too because my toes touch eachother all the time!"

The Red Badge of Courage?

2008-07-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend we hosted our “Renewing your Passion” Conference and it was amazing! About 1000 people were at the hotel, spending the whole weekend praying and fellowshipping. It was completely wonderful, and every time I’m there, I’m sad that more people I know weren’t there! I feel like it’s so hard for me to communicate why this conference is so much better than anything else I’ve ever attended… why the fellowship feels so much more real, and why my spirit feels so in tune with the Lord that I never want to leave.

And because I’m feeling all these things… I decided to blog about it. :) Mostly because I’m left with something I’m trying to figure out? Because at the conference I felt so completely like my true self –unlike the “imposter self” that I’ve been living with these past 3 years at GFA. While I love being here, and I know that I would not be happy anywhere else (because it’s outside the Lord’s will, not because living in New Zealand sipping lattes and going on treks wouldn’t make me happy!) – I feel like I have not been able to engage my true “spiritual self” for a very long time (maybe the entire 3 years?). At GFA, I’m constantly being pulled with longings that look like materialism, fighting to pray, feeling completely isolated and in general – fighting apathy. I know this isn’t who God has freed me to be – and I’m not sure why it’s suddenly becoming a pretty prominent portion of my character. I guess it’s just been really disheartening.

At the conference, however, I was a different person. I was able to reach out and converse with people I didn’t know, pray with a joyful and full heart, and sing to the Lord during worship (and not just wondering if the songs are theologically correct or not… or thinking about why I can’t hit the notes right… or thinking about something else entirely). At first I thought maybe it was a fake me, trying to put my best foot forward to make sure I could impress everyone and represent GFA well. After all, everywhere I went, I was wearing the red “staff” badge the whole weekend. Everyone that saw me knew I was supposed to be “spiritual.”

I think the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what was coming out of me was actually no effort at all. In fact, it took a lot less effort than my groanings about prayer meetings or feeling like I’m under a microscope all the time. I think, for the first time in a long time, I was free. I felt like rather than renewing my passion I was able to unlock my passion. That kinda sounds weird I guess – but it feels so true for me. I was trying to figure out why I was able to be this way and what I realized was kind of startling (to me at least…) and now I’m trying to figure out how I can practically live this truth out.

I realized that wearing my red badge constantly reminded me of who I was. I was a missionary, on staff at Gospel for Asia, and I had given my life for this cause. It felt so plain and so evident to me (especially because of the way people were treating me, asking me questions, wanting to pray for me/ with me… etc.) that I had no other option but to act like a staff person! I think wearing that red badge helped me realize who I was. And it let me be who I was… and I really felt free. I think I just so purely trusted that people would want to talk to me… or that they loved me. I know they loved GFA and they prayed for me… and I felt so confident that I could be there friend. And I felt so confident that I could share… because I knew they just naturally expected answers from me. And just as naturally, I was able to give them!

It’s not that I don’t feel loved by the people at GFA – quite the opposite. The amount of “loved-ness” I feel here has been so completely amazing that I know it’s profoundly impacted how I view any type of community in the church. But still, I struggle with being liked, or accepted – or I’m afraid I won’t make interesting enough conversation. I’m also afraid I don’t pray that well… and therefore I don’t pray. Or I’m afraid I don’t know anything about GFA… and so I don’t share the ministry. These things came so naturally while I was wearing my red badge… but now – they seem like a memory to me. I’m back to struggling.

Anyway… now I’m left with prayer. Not that that’s a bad thing (I’ll be forever realizing how much it’s actually my only thing!). I trust that the Lord will someday let me silently wear my red badge – a constant reminder of… not who I will be one day but who I actually am. And He does all things well. :)

More to say that probably demands another entry... sorry. :(

2008-07-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

I found out the shack is fiction - it's not a real story. Travis tipped me off and I was kind of amazed. I felt kind of relieved... because I was having a really hard time figuring out how to make sense out of all of it... but I also felt... I don't know. A little empty? Or... I don't know.

I think this happens to me a lot... maybe I'm really gullible. Like when I read Out of the Silent Planet (C.S. Lewis claims he's ghost writing this for his friend and he gives his own personal reaction to the story.. as if it's real) and I ran up to Stephanie all paranoid about potential life on Mars. I think I like to think those things... I'm not sure why?

I also found out the author is a Unitarian - universalist... While I haven't read far enough into the book to know much else, there are (apparently) definite arrows pointing to his "theology" he weaves through the book.

Here's what I'm left with (trying to figure me out)...

1. I read things that are controversial because that is fun to me.

2. I start to poke my head out of my God shell and wonder if it could be true.

3. This results in my wanting to talk to God because he seems to be portrayed as nicer than I think He is, and He seems so approachable, I'm almost overwhelmed. I am still a little scared.

4. I think for a long time and can't do anything else.

5. I find that all the controversy is rightfully founded and I need to maybe put the book down.

6. I am sad because I feel like not only am I back to square one, I feel like God must be the opposite of all the things those heretics are saying.

7. I talk about it to everyone and just feel generally confused.

8. I listen to people that are controversial on the other side (a.k.a radical theologian) and feel (instead of happiness about finding out how approachable God is), awe about how awesome and amazing He is and I want to worship Him.

9. I realize that the more I listen to the more I realize that I still haven't totally sorted out how to relate to God yet because I'm not able to live the way this person yells about how I should live.

10. I want to burn all my clothes and shop at thrift stores.

11. I start judging everyone else who doesn't think about all the high and lofty things I think about... and I isolate myself from everyone.

13. Repeat.

The night I read the Shack and watched Lord of the Rings... which might have been a bad idea.

2008-07-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

So I have been wanting to blog again... but I hate doing it when I haven't done it in awhile... and I feel weird about getting my feet wet and having everyone see. But I want to... and I feel like I'm in a place where I might like feedback... Maybe? or maybe it's a bad idea.

But that's okay... if it is a bad idea. I'll think about that later. But since I still don't want to FULLY get my feet wet, I'm just going to paste in an email I wrote to JD when he asked me why I wasn't able to really pray at prayer meeting this morning... because I feel like I would like to talk about it. And I wish Stephanie wasn't so busy. :P

Okay, here's my email:

When I was reading that book last night, I just felt like... I don't know. God was interacting with this man... for real. And there were three people, and they were all God... but they were all different. And their roles just made sense. And they loved each other. And they did weird things - like Jesus dropped the pancake batter... and they all laughed. God laughed... And God revealed himself to this man as a large African American woman. And it was odd - but it started to make sense. And then it more than made sense... and it felt like, a lot of explanations. And it felt like - everything I expected God to be, He wasn't being. But it didn't really go against what the Bible says either. And it certainly didn't go against what I had hoped He would be. It just was something totally different than what my mind thinks of God. And why my mind always has ideas of what God is and how I pray. Why do I always feel like God doesn't like modern things? Or God speaks in old proper English? Why do I think those things? And I feel like that's just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like the things I think about God turn Him into something He is certainly not! And what is He? I feel like I don't know. Even how I read the Bible - the way I read it, and the way I handle the pages. I'm always thinking, always remembering... everything that everyone else thinks, all the pictures I've been shown, and the explanations I've been given. I can't get away from it.

Maybe it God did reveal Himself as a large African American woman who makes pancakes... I would stop thinking of everything else I imagine when I imagine myself as talking to God.

It's kind of like when I talk to you... What if our entire marriage, I was imagining you to be a ... I can't even imagine how I could relate it - but if I thought you were something that you clearly aren't (like a library or a cup or tea or an elephant) - and I treated you as such and I thought of you as such and I approached you with all of the conditions that I would if I thought you were those things... I would be completely delusional. And everything I thought would be tainted.

And I KNOW that in some ways... that's how it's supposed to be... But I feel like at least if I have a general idea...and I keep working towards knowing what you are really like. I guess I would call that progress. And I could move in a direction of communicating. But what if I so strongly imagined you as those things, that other things I was learning about you were interfering with my idea. But I so strongly believed what I knew - that I couldn't even question it. Because thinking you were not really what I thought would never even enter my mind. Because it's so much a part of everything I know. There's only so far the mind can bend you know...

I don't know...

And then I watched Lord of the Rings? Which... was just so weird... I was watching it and I was thinking... "No... these people would never make pancakes. But somehow - it was like God too. It was just as real as the book I was reading. They BOTH felt like God. But they seem opposite from each other (the book even talked about how the man expected to look and see someone quite a lot like Gandalf when he saw God). There was urgency (not time to talk about things and have fun and laugh... who could be laughing in that movie? Who would have been acting like they had all the time in the world?") I feel like... what world do I live in? Do I live in a world where Jesus wants to sit down and make me pancakes and laugh about things and help me? Or do I live in a world where "my quest hangs on the edge of a knife? Straying but a little and I will fall?" If I stray a little.... if I have to WORRY about straying a little... I will have no time for pancakes? I won't even be hungry!

And then I was sad.. when I woke up and you told me Boromir died. I don't know why... it just hit me so heavy. I think I almost thought about death for the first time when I heard that. Or at least... it seemed that way. I thought about him and then about how he wasn't. And how it was so quick. And how it was for the quest. And how it mattered. But did he know? And was he healed? And is he having pancakes now? I just thought and thought and thought...

And then... at the very end... when we were listening to Enya. I was thinking about that too. And wondering what was so appealing about that music. And I thought about the elves and how they ministered to people. And how... somehow someone would be sick or hurting or lost or something... And the elves would just appear to them.. or sing to them or speak to them. And they would be well. And I wondered why? And I thought about what motivates people to do things. What makes them get up? And I realized it was beauty. It was because of the beauty of the elves and the beauty of the songs... somehow.. I don't know. But I thought about God. And I thought about our motivation to do what we do. And I thought about all the horrible things in the world... and all the reasons why it should make us want to do this or that about it. And I wondered about what regenerates us and what makes us want to sit back and just forget who we are? And I think it must be beauty. Something transcendent. Or something... I don't know. But it doesn't seem that pressing needs or horrible stories do much - not in the long run anyway. At least... not for me. And I felt better. I felt hopeful - that maybe it was about beauty. And maybe the song at the end of the movie was meant to minister to me. And make me feel like it would all be okay - because the song would heal me.

I think I only got a small percentage of what I was really thinking.... I mean - I can't quite convey it. But it seemed shocking to me when I was first rubbing up against the idea. That after seeing all the angst and trials that were in that movie... the thing that kept reviving everyone wasn't good conversation or the thought of their friends being hurt. It was always the elves. They were always giving direction, giving gifts and giving songs... They gave them spirits. And I felt like maybe that's what God gives to me. To help me to do what I do here... and is that why I'm not as motivated by the pictures and the stories...

I don't know. I still can't communicate it because it felt a lot more shocking. It felt a lot more true. Maybe because it was in the form of Enya. Maybe that's why God might be more shocking and more true if he was in the form of a black woman?

Songs that make me close my eyes...

2007-06-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

Waiting for Love

It’s such a hard thing to say I love you
And it’s harder to not say at all
Wanting the words to come out, but the heart won’t let them
Cause the line is tangled again

We’re all waiting for love
And love keeps running away…
Don’t run away from me

It’s such a hard thing to hear I love you
And it’s harder to not hear at all
Wanting the words to come in, but the heart won’t reel in
Cause the line is twisted again

We were waiting for love
And love keeps running away…
Don’t run away from me

I dreamed of a moment between you & I
In our ocean of silence, we started to try
Down by our hidden hearts –
Together we’ll loosen the knotted parts
The words were untwisted – the silence was lifted
And we untangled the line

We were waiting for love
And love was reeling us in…
Reeling us in.

----------------------------------------

Kiss my Head

Tell me one more time of the story - of how you loved me,
You loved me again…
My heart is only worth the glory - of how you found me,
And called me friend.

I don’t know how to live –
I’ve got nothing to give.
But you speak of a faithful commitment to me
You reach – where no one has reached
You reached me – you reached me…

I’m just a prodigal,
I’m stuck in the mud with my head sunken
Deep diabolical
Like a hurricane
You catch my foot, pull me down
Put me safely on the ground again

Then you kiss my head again,
Kiss my head again –
And you tell me again….

You tell me one more time how you loved me,
You loved me…
And love will never end.

Feeling at home when I cry...

2007-06-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Why is that? I don't know if it's just me or everyone has this (or maybe every woman?) but I feel the most like myself when I am crying. Not just crying, but mourning...
I struggle so much in my fight for joy. I console myself by taking refuge in mourning... solace in pain. And for so much of my life, having joy meant being shallow.
Now the Lord has brought me into a place where I am overwhelmed (I am so tempted to say surprised, especially because it's a better descriptor) by joy. But I miss mourning. I miss crying. I'm not sure what this is about.... I am praying for some clarity... Mourning is to be expected, that's for sure. And maybe it's something we need... Maybe my mourning is good, but misdirected. Maybe I'm practicing because I'm afraid that when my time for mourning comes I won't be able to stand.... Maybe it's a place that I go where I feel like I can be comforted when I mourn. It makes me feel more human to cry for other people's loss...
Whenever people talk about 'places they go' it usually, most likely, is not a good thing. Are there certain areas of my heart that I'm not willing to give to the Lord because I feel like it defines who I am and I can't give it up? I'm certain there are... I've been in the process of giving them up all my life. What's amazing is that He somehow remakes me more real than the thing of "reality" that I gave up. I can realize that the area of my heart that I was hiding wasn't really an area at all... it was a door to something the Lord wanted to unlock to make me more glorifying to Him.
Anyway, I'm not sure why this is worth writing about... but I just noticed that I put on a certain song that I know makes me cry...

Our puppy! :)

2007-06-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Here he is.... I'm pretty excited. We are stilling debating on the name though - it's between Caspian and Link. if you have any opinions... please share!

Support Trip In Philadelphia

2007-06-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

Wow - God is so good... I have been so worn out these past few days... I found that if I get a 11:00 nap & a 2:00 nap I'm able to get through... Our time in Philadelphia has been absolutely amazing - I have missed being able to invest in these people up here. It's been difficult for me to find the time to do that with each person I'm close with (and even those I don't know that well) while I'm in TX and normally when we do come up to visit it's usually large groups of people and can feel more... shallow? Which is hard because I feel like my heart is always in this continuously sober state whenever I'm up here so relating was usually kind of weird. Anyway, it's just been really really good to take solid chunks of time really ministering to people and praying with them. I am more convinced than ever about the need to re-establish God's design for the family in our daily lives. I'm just seeing so much of a lacking there... and it's hard. Our culture is extremely aggressive in stealing anything of value away from our families. It seems that if we really want to walk the fine line of the call to holiness, we need to completely abstain from things of this world. I think, what's most often hard to swallow, is that things of this world permeate virtually everything I do!

Jd & I would like to have children one day and we're praying about the Lord's timing in that. But I am honestly so afraid. I feel like in order to protect our minds from the influence of this world we need to be careful of what we watch and where we go... and what we listen to. Right now I'm thinking of staying away from all movie theaters, malls, and radio stations... I am seeing messages from the devil everywhere.... And the more we are exposed to perversion, the more natural it becomes... I'm just afraid of missing it. Every well meaning Christian I talk to tells me that "You can't shield your child from everything and if you don't expose them to it sooner or later, they will either rebel or be a complete outcast." Is that true? I'm not sure... I'm just wrestling a lot with this. I told Jd yesterday that I hear of so many people praying that they will have beautiful or smart children. I would almost rather have my child born with a handicap that would cause them to be rejected by the world. I think I'd rather have an outcast than a prom queen. I am just so tired of bowing down to the devil's of idea of beauty and success. I am tired of watching those I love bow to it. I will need all of God's grace on my life to help keep my children from doing the same...

I am just in prayer - I want to be guided by the spirit and let love rule in our home... I'm not interested in just making up hard rules for the sake of rules.... But I am no longer convinced that the Lord is grieved by the compromise we subject ourselves to in order to be 'normal.' When did God call us to a life of normal? Did He not call us to forsake all? What does that mean? What does it mean when I live in this culture?

Anyway... that's all that I'm thinking about.... I'd be grateful for any thoughts....

Paul Washer...

2007-05-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have been running myself ragged the last few days - but my friend Lindsay & I were having fun thinking of how these past few days are like summer camp. You have a crazy schedule, but you just do it because it's camp.. and soon it will be over. :)

The past few days we've been driving over an hour to hear this brother, Paul Washer speak in this small church in the small town of Briar. I have been so blessed by Paul's teachings I got on Sermonindex.net and I have been so blessed, and even changed dramatically, by his teaching. These past few meetings have definetly been some of the best hours of teaching I have ever received... We leave right at 5:00 to drive - and we are usually finished by about midnight (after talking with him) - and get home at 1:30... I haven't cooked or cleaned in so long (it feels like) but all I want to do when I'm home is read the bible... It's just amazing.

Tracy (our friend & Lindsay's husband) has a pretty accurate account of our first messages on Sunday on his blog so I asked him if I could post his blog here:

What Brother Paul shared was a real blessing. The Sunday school hour was good, but the morning and evening messages really stuck with me. The Lord is faithful. He preached in the morning on Jeremiah 31:31-34 and 32:36-41. Praise God for His faithfulness!In the evening he preached on 1 Timothy 4:1-10, and it was also very good. And then a few of us sat around and talked with him for awhile after both services. A few things that stood out (paraphrased from memory):The horrible statistics you hear telling you the church is the same as the world are a lie. Those who are in the church are being conformed to the image of Christ. They are not continually carnal. The reason we think the church is just like the world is that we have a wrong idea of what the church is. Those who profess to be Christians and meet in a building are not the church. Not at all. The church is composed of those who been supernaturally regenerated by Almighty God. Every single one of them is being made more like Christ, becoming holy, being sanctified. Yes, there is sin at times, but if we are truly born again, the Lord will always lead us to repentance. Much of what we call the church is not the church. Similarly, the church is united. We speak of all the division and stuff in the church, but that is again because we have a wrong conception of the church. All who are truly born again have fellowship in Christ. Spiritual warfare is not primarily about angels and demons fighting each other in the air over our heads or casting demons out of our refrigerator. It is primarily about lies. Satan is the father of lies. And he tells lies and gets many to believe his lies. The truth is very, very important.

We must know God's Word so we can tell what is a lie. If you spend 3 hours in God's Word, and then turn your TV on and see one sensual image, you pretty much just canceled out all your time in the Word. You must turn away from the things God hates. If you have a half gallon of sewage, and start filling a container with clean water, that water will always be contaminated, no matter how much clean water you put in. First, you must clean the sewage out. Turn away from these things.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a real preacher? Do you have any idea how hard it is to know that night after night, city after city, country after country, many who hear your voice are not listening, and they will rot in hell? Listen to me! You will stand before God very, very soon and you must be prepared. Telling the story of how he came to share the message to the 5,000 Baptist youth in which he shared out of Matthew 7, he shared that it was a stadium event complete with dry ice and Harley Davidsons. The speaker was making crass jokes, etc... When he gave the altar call, 3,000 youth came forward. Brother Paul was scheduled to speak next. The leaders of the event came to him and said, "Get out here, this is a great move of God, we need you to counsel these young people." He responded, "I don't even belong in this building. This is an abomination." He felt like the Lord had given him a message (The Meaning of the Cross) and if he shared it hear, it would be his springboard to do many Baptist events everywhere. He wanted to share that message, but the Lord told him no, that he was to share out of Matthew 7 and what it really means to be saved, knowing he was finished with that group. He was. Youth leaders and everyone was angry. And yet our Father was pleased, and perhaps some were saved from deception and hell. He began the first message and repeated a couple times afterwards: "There are no great men of God; only weak, feeble, faithless men of a great and mighty God." Amen.

He was in much pain last night in his body, but stayed around talking with us until 10:30 PM. When he sees men, he sees them, and not through them. He took notice of people and shared God's Word with them. He challenged all of us to know God's Word, not superficially, but really. I was convicted. I have stopped memorizing the Bible. Such an important thing, and I have been lazy and not doing it. Towards the end, when we were getting ready to go, he came over to say bye to us, and saw Jude. He asked about him, talked a little, and began to pray for him. He prayed exactly what I desire for my son: "Not that this child will be brilliant or athletic or successful or even great, but that He will be yours; that he will do everything for Jesus." Amen. He then spoke to me at some length about family. I will try and relate the gist of it here:"Your greatest calling is to love your wife. Love her more than anything else, including your children. They need to know how you love your wife. You are commanded to lay down your life for your wife. Go in to the office early, so you can come home early. When you get home, the boys are yours. You take them, do everything for them, and let your wife rest. Spend time with your family. If I ever hear you say that you have to sacrifice your family for the ministry, I will slap you. That is a lie. God's will is perfect. You will never have to sacrifice one thing He has asked you to do in order to do another thing He has asked you to do. The greatest joy in my life is to be a husband and a father. When people ask what I do, I tell them I am a husband. When they ask again, I tell them I am a father. They get exasperated, and then I tell them what I do if I have any time left over."I have been blessed by this brother's life and teaching, and my brief interaction with him. I know he isn't perfect and I don't know him well, and yet the Spirit in me testifies that he is a man who knows the Lord, and I've been richly blessed. God is good.

One of my favorite songs...

2007-05-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

Every time I hear this song my heart gets incredibly broken. The first time I heard it I was newly married and driving into the city (Philadelphia) and struggling with not wanting to go to GFA because my heart wasn't for the people in India - my heart was for teenage girls. I was wrestling so much - and then I heard this song and I just wept and wept for so long. The Lord used it to show me that when he puts things on my heart - it's definitely a blessing. But I want my life to be so totally given over to Him that I am not dictated by the desires of my heart (even if they are for something of virtue) because my heart is not what should lead my decisions in life. I need to yield to the Lord, knowing that He will never give me something good (like a desire to serve in one way) and squash it completely. But often, He desires to stretch us beyond what we feel we can do (or want to do) so that we are totally His. Anyway, here are the words.

Use me, break me, waste me on You, Lord
Ruin me, take me, waste me on You
For to die is to live...
To starve is to feast and less of me is more of Jesus
Lord, i want it all, Lord, i want it all
If i lose my life, I gain everything and
At the cross away with all death's sting
Lord, i want it all; Lord, i want it all

There is power in the blood
There is victory in Jesus.
Come in power, wash me clean
Overwhelm me with Your presence

There is power in the blood
There is victory in Jesus
Help me glory in the cross
Help me find my gain in loss

By the way - the Lord has not forgotten me. He has answered my desire to ministry to teenage girls in ways that have totally blessed me. He is expanding my heart for things I found no room for before He demanded this area of me. I love Him. :)

My testimony

2007-05-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

So I'm putting together a Shutterfly album for our upcoming support trip (May 28 - Jun 10) and I thought it would be a good idea to include our testimonies in the book. I just now realized that I have never ever told my testimony (I have normally tried to avoid it) but I thought I would share it here -

It always seems awkward for me to give my testimony because I never quite know where it starts and where it ends. Truthfully, I can not say exactly when it was that I gave my life to Christ and I often struggle to find joy in where I am right now - I desire to be so much further in my journey than I am. I only know that because of these things, I am daily giving my life to the Lord and daily asking Him for a new measure of the joy that only comes from Him.

Growing up I never doubted that Jesus was Lord, but I knew nothing of love. While that seems average for most, it was exceptionally true for me. I loved to see people fail and inflict pain with my words. I wrestled with it so much that I eventually decided that if I was to ever understand love I needed to do everything I could to rebel against it and test if it would still pursue me in spite of who I was. I was 13 and living in every kind of rebellion I could think of. I was enslaved to promiscuity and malice. I despised my actions, but I was desperate to find out how far love would go to rescue me. My obsession deteriorated me to the point of being unable to function in any kind of 'normal' environment. I became convinced of delusions and was so twisted in deception - I wanted to die.

But God's love went further than I ever imagined - I found that true love does not need to be tested; but hoped in, through faith. It blows me away that God would take the time to convince me of who He is and how much He loves me. He who created reason, desires to reason with me that I might have a greater glimpse of understanding. He is delighted to fix; even perfect, the broken things, and He is content to fix quietly and anonymously. He used my husband to save my life, and through JD's love I was able to understand the Lord's heart towards me. What's amazing is this does not compromise His greatness but is the preface of His great love for us. Praise the Lord - He is so far above us and yet He longs to be with us even though we can not see Him for who He really is. He is willing to be revealed slowly, and my desire is to live my life in pursuit of knowing Him more.

I guess I could call this a bad hair day...

2007-05-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been sleeping in; I'm finding myself drenched in guilt every time I wake up in the morning. Today was no exception and as I got showered and dressed, I thought that all I had to do was blow dry my hair and I could just sit down (for a measly 10 minutes) and be with the Lord. I sat down before the Lord and felt myself fighting the urge to just mess up my hair and not try to be so perfect. I'm feeling so plastic lately and I hate when the Lord sees me that way. Not that He doesn't see me all the time, but when I'm making myself really aware of His presence it nags at me. My hair became so heavy on my head and I was just so tempted to cut it off. I was wondering why I can blow dry my hair and bounce in the next room to say hi to my husband, but I can't with God. Why am I still trying to drum up the appropriate feelings I need to have in order to talk with Him?
I feel like there are two types of 'good' Christians in my head. There's the super grunge, hard-core, hyper-sensitive christian contrasted with the nice hair, clean fingernails, skirt wearing christian. The first christian can express amazing emotions toward the Lord; the second doesn't really struggle much with obedience. I wrestle constantly with wondering, "What is the Lord requiring of me?" Especially, in light of scripture contrasted with the culture. Does my Christianity look like it should? If Jesus were to come back now, would He be pleased with what He saw? I desperately want Him to be pleased with me and it seems to plague everything I do.
I was reminded yesterday about the importance of faith - again. I am constantly going back to this - realizing that without faith it is impossible to please God. And so often I am without faith - not trusting in His character but in my own ability to make God happy with me. I was challenged at prayer last night remembering that if God IS love, and love hopes all things, believes all things and endures all things. How often do I see God thinking that way toward me? That's still something I have to push myself to believe every morning.
Something that has helped me tremendously in doing this is to deliberately rejoice that I am a sinner, and Christ still loves me. I find that the people who are most content & steadfast in their walk with the Lord have accepted that fact - and they know how to move on. I think I am still stuck or something - I have not yet discovered how to (simply) just move on. I see that I am horrible... or I guess that something I'm doing has potential to be horrible and I freeze up. I don't trust the Lord to lead me through, I am afraid I that I'm not sure how to get back to Him - back to His prescence.
It's a tricky thing to talk about how sin separates us from God. God himself has become the bridge back to Himself and we are no longer separated from Him by our sin. If I constantly look around the bridge for another way, my own way - I will find myself lost. Because there is no other way. Sin has separated us in once sense, but in another in gives us incredible freedom to acknowledge our sin and put our trust in Christ. God is so good - I'm praying that I will be so engaged in that truth at all times that I will not be shaken as much as I am.

For your edification....

2007-05-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

JD & I have been listening to teachings on SermonIndex.net by Paul Washer. Our friend Tracy Tyson told us to check out this sermon, "Modern American Christianity." We were blown away by it and have been listening to more whenever we can in our spare time. I hope this blesses and challenges you as it did me...

http://www.jdsmith.biz/teachings/paulwasher/Modern-American-Christianity.mp3

Here is another sermon on dating that brought me to tears. I was so humbled in seeing how far our culture is from what the bible teaches - and I am continually broken when I realize my need for the Lord's intervention in my life... that I need Him in all things that I do.

http://www.jdsmith.biz/teachings/paulwasher/Dating-Sermon.mp3

Trying to start this off on the right foot

2007-05-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't like writing new posts because I feel like I have to have some kind of deep introduction. So my friend Steve suggested I write about my new mushrooms. :) So I thought - what a good idea! I love making baking... And since I'm on this meringue kick, I wanted to sculpt the meringue somehow. Of course mushrooms was the only logical thing to make! I debated about forest animals... but somehow that didn't work out. :P

Yay! It's my first post. I'm thinking (as I'm eating these) of how I could incorporate these into a cake design somehow. And why isn't someone having a birthday soon enough for me to make it?